It's been a few days since my last update. I'll admit I've been lazy about updating my post over the last few days because in all honesty, I'm ready for the fast to be over. It's been shortened once again and we will be ending on Sat, June 26th. I'll admit that it's opened my eyes to see things that I need to get back to doing. Like when I first moved to Sacramento, for a few months, I didn't have a TV, so I read. A lot. Mainly the Bible, but also other books that I got from the library. I don't do that as much anymore.

My eating habits could stand to evolve as well. Refined white sugar is my biggest problem, followed next by bouts of gluttony. I get a hold of something that really taste good and it's like I can't rest until it's gone. So my remedy has been not to buy sweets or junk food to keep in the house. But I do have my weak moments and somehow they make it through the door. But it's not just limited to sweets, I do the same thing with nuts, mixed or not.

I almost broke a few times over the course of today, although I did have to break the fast a few days ago as I wound up sick. I'll spare the details of what exactly happened but lets just say it will be some time before I eat mixed nuts and salmon in the same day.

Needless, to say, this fast is showing me how much I really do need the Lord and how, I'm truly nothing without Him. There are moments when I can be so ungrateful but God loves me through it. Days where I can get so annoyed and frustrated at myself or the world and God still loves me through it. What other friend would put up with such ugliness and selfishness? No other friend I know. Thank goodness that even through all of that He can still see through and see the best in me and that best is all He needs. Thank you, Lord for looking beyond my faults and knowing my heart...

I'm not too proud of the fact that I haven't written a post since Tuesday but I did manage to write a few revelations down during my morning prayer and meditation time. On Wednesday morning, June 16th, as I finished reading Proverbs 16, these words came to my heart, "We are merely reflective surfaces reflecting God's glory." Thursday morning's meditation brought these words, "I want to be purposeful in my living and giving".

Today, I didn't manage to write down any words but I did receive a word at the woman's meeting at CCC tonight. It actually ties in with my last post on Tuesday night pertaining to what would God have to do in our lives to show that He's real. Well, Elder Karen read from Psalm 34 and when she got to verse 8, which reads, "Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. (NIV)". I felt my Spirit say to me that this will become the foundational scripture of my ministry. Still not sure what all this ministry would entail but I'm feeling like it's got something to do with reaching out to people who are seeking or have doubts about Him.

God is also dealing with me in another area of my life and that is my dealings and relationships with people that I don't know very well. I tend to be a little awkward and sometimes even a little standoffish. In a large room full of people I don't know, I usually stand by myself praying for the night to be over. I'd also like to work on being more approachable and less reserved. If people feel they can't talk to me or feel uncomfortable approaching me then how am I going to reach them for Christ and why would they want to listen to me? This all ties in to the ministry which my Spirit is whispering to me will actually be some form of outreach or missions.

A thought crossed my mind as I was getting ready to go to bed (and actually forgo writing anything tonight). I was just thinking about how real God is and how several years ago, I knew that without a shadow of a doubt that He is more real and tangible than things I can see. I know how it can be to struggle with believing in Him and whether or not He's "real". It took a few signs, wonders and many answered prayers for me to know, that I know that I know that I know, He is indeed for real.

And with that I had this thought; how can God make himself real to you if he hasn't already? And what would you like Him to do in your life to prove that He is who He says he is and that He can do exceedingly and abundantly above all that you ask or seek? Just a little food for thought...

I'm going to try and keep this one short because I just got in from practice and dropping a few folks at home and well, I'm a little tired. Nonetheless, the leader of the step team, Reggie, had a serious heart-to-heart with us. Quite a few people had been struggling with the fast (myself included) and he encouraged to continue and finish it out. Turns out the fast has been shortened. So, instead of us finishing on June 30th, we will break the fast on June 28th. Hallelujah!

Overall, I had a really good day today. I saw the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater for the first time at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. Everyone I asked about it said that they'd already seen it so I was beginning to feel like I was riding the late bus. It was a great production! It completely activated my sense of sight, sound and imagination. I know that imagination is not an official sense but it probably should be. My seat was amazing! I was sitting in the balcony in the front row so my view was unblocked and I could see from such a bird's eye view that I doubt sitting on the floor would have given me the same perspective.

It's amazing how my view and perspective at the show kind of ties in with the message given today by Pastor Peter Mortlock of City Impact Church in Auckland, New Zealand. He spoke about our vision and how when we limit it, we limit God's work in our lives. He made a comment that "the higher we go the more we can see. The more we can see the more we can achieve." And he's right.

He also mentioned this idea of spiritual mountain climbing. It wasn't until I started writing this post that I made the connection between my seat at the show today and his sermon. I was clearly able to see after the show how important your view of things really is. I was able to see things from up top that may have not been as powerful for people looking at it head on. He also made mention of the fact that the flesh hates it. The flesh tends to think small in an attempt to resist the effort it takes to reach new spiritual heights.

I was just thinking about the current "view" of my life and I have to admit that I've kind of stopped climbing. Lately, it seems like my view has been obscured by skyscrapers and tenement buildings. I want to be able to see over and above these. I don't want the sky to be the limit for me. Not sure exactly what I'd like to see but I know that when I start praying like Jabez and asking God to increase me territory and my view He will show me the way up the fire escape ladder and out onto a rooftop overlooking the world that He has already overcome. And in Him, so will I.

So, I leave you with this. From what heights are you viewing your life? How high do you want to go?

So, I didn't get around to blogging yesterday as I was honestly too sleepy. But one of the thoughts that came to me early in the day pertained to me possibly moving back to Atlanta in the next few years. I've debated it in the past but never felt truly ready to do. The only difficult thing about me moving back to Atlanta now would be the fact that I would have to leave CCC and the CCC family that I've gained. God also impressed upon my heart the idea that if I were to make that move that it would a) need to be for the right reasons. Not because I miss my family and have felt lonely living so far away. And b) I need to make sure that my spiritual and financial houses are in order. In other words what would be the spiritual purpose for moving back? What would I like to gain spiritually and where would my church home be? He reminded me that, like our Pastor has stressed to us, it's important to know my core values and purposes for my life and seek ministries that line up with those. And I think the financial order speaks for itself. I'd love to buy a home once back in the A so I need to account for that as well as the expenses associated with moving.

All that was for yesterday. Then for today. It was a day that I can say was truly lead by God. I had plan to attend the singles ministry meeting at church (which I did). I had doubts that I would go at first because I really wanted to sleep in. But, one of my sister's on the step team asked if I could pick her up and then another, so I willing agreed. Once, I'd picked them both up we headed for the meeting which was great! Minister Reggie Alvarez brought the truth from the Word. Straight, with no chaser! The topic was "Being Set Apart for Holiness" and how to be holy.

After the meeting, a few of us had a lunch consisting of mixed vegetables and water. We then headed over to one of our sister's in Christ, Kaylar's fitness center grand opening. It was an awesome time and to top it off they had fruit galore as well we get to go back for a free class! Do i sound excited? That's because I am. After, I went to the movies to see the Jaden Smith in the remake of the Karate Kid with one of my sister's in Christ and Boots homie, Joan. The movie was better than I thought it'd be. Before the movie though (we had a few hours to kill) we went to eat at Boulder Creek, which I had never been. I had garlic crusted salmon, mixed vegetables and and a sweet potato. I was in heaven! She made a comment that she almost didn't even go to the meeting but was glad she did. I'm happy she did too. From that I was reminded that sometimes the things that we don't really want to do or the things we are finding it difficult to do are things that we should avail ourselves to. Maybe not in all cases but it's something to consider.

Ok, I seriously had to ask myself why I was fasting this morning. I'm still not feeling 100%. I woke up feeling worse today than I did yesterday. It crossed my mind as I was getting ready for work that the enemy is trying to attack my health and energy. I was experiencing really bad habit pangs and I seriously wanted to break the fast this morning and call it a day. All I could think about was my extra sweet cup of hot green tea! I've done partial fasts before. I've done one meal a day fasts. I've even done the eat nothing fast. But this fast fast tougher.

A few days ago, I was already to do this but now I'm in it and as much as I want to break it, I realize that if I can hold on and bear with it, I will be made stronger in the end. It also dawned on me this morning that when we don't fast, we tend to become desensitized to the word and God's voice. I guess this also ties into yesterday's post where I spoke about taking God for granted and feeling like I'm having one-sided conversation. I guess it would feel that way if I'm desensitized.

I was also feeling really irritable and moody and this is definitely playing out on my job. Luckily, I was able to pray for others and be prayed for at lunch via a phone prayer cord. I also, prayed with my prayer partner, Jamie. She really blessed me with her words and I know they aren't in vain. God's word will never return void so even when I don't feel or see the direct results of the prayers right away, I know they're on the way!

Some highlights from today:

This morning, I was feeling a little bit under the weather. I pushed myself to get up and out of bed. As I started praying, I realized that the fire and excitement I have for things when they are new was not there in my heart. I felt bad about that because I realized that in a sense, my prayer time with God has become sort of a routine. So routine that I take it for granted. It's like the thrill is gone. Sometimes when I pray, I feel as though I'm writing a verbal letter to God or leaving a voice mail. In essence, it tends to feel very one-sided.

I know that the communication is not one-sided as I do read my word in the morning (and at night) and I do hear the Lord speaking to me through the word. But lately, every since I moved back to the east coast I've been feeling like His presence is harder to feel and His voice is becoming harder to hear through the noise from the City.

Also, my flesh was definitely feeling the effects of the fast and starting its rebellion act. I was extremely moody and wanted to eat every and anything I could. We were also paired up with another member of the Boots team to pray with. I didn't get the chance to pray with my prayer partner tonight but I know that the prayers of the righteous does avail. And I know that it's through prayer that I will avail.

I'm a Pisces and growing up I was always into astrology. One of the things that was often said about us is that we tend to view the world through rose-colored glasses. Essentially, what that means is that we don't always see things for what they are but through a lens that slightly tints reality. It's almost like we see what we want to see. Several years ago when I moved to the City I asked God to remove those rose-colored glasses from my eyes and boy has He ever! I bring this up because I've had an emotional few weeks that were chocked full of reality. I've been made aware of some things that have shocked me, upset me and disappointed me. For a few days, I was a literally out of it.

So, when I learned that the step ministry that I'm apart of at church (the team is known as Boots) would be embarking on a 21 day partial fast, I was all for it. Of course, to some degree I'm never really ready to partake in a fast, as it never seems convenient. But this time feels different. It's like I need it. Almost craving it. I know that whenever I fast, I feel God working through and around me in ways that I could never imagine or have experienced. And I need His infilling and presence with me now more than ever.

At any rate, I'm going to attempt to blog everyday during the fast just to share what God is revealing to me and what He's dealing with me about. Our reference scripture is Isaiah 58 and the focus of the fast is not merely to "turn down our plates" but to seek God's wisdom for ways that we can pour out and give of ourselves to others. I've also been dealing alot with matters of relationships and am seeking God's face as it pertains to getting to know Him as my first and only true love. I realize that what I really want and need only God can provide. To require a mortal man to satisfy all of my desires, emotional and spiritual longings is unrealistic. I will never be able to be all things to him either. One of my friends shared a bit of wisdom about her own personal relationship. She said that she had to learn that God is her source. Everyone else is just a resource.

The fast will begin on Wed, Jun 9th. I'm ready. Let it begin...